Read This When You’re feeling Disconnected From Your Child

It seems like the days I’m busiest are the days the kids are the neediest.

It also seems like the times when I am most stressed are the times they choose to push my buttons even more…

There is a pattern here that I have begun to notice. (Better late than never.)

It’s not my kids, it’s me.

I have been disconnected.

Related Post: 6 Ways To Make Up With Your Kids After a Hard Day

I’ve been putting other priorities first, when my kids should always come first.

It’s kind of funny. Sometimes I get into that “motherhood blues” mood where I regret all the things I can’t do anymore, or I complain about how little time I have to myself.

But if I’m honest with myself, my kids give me SO much time.

I’m always saying “just a minute” “after I’m done” “later” “just one more…” “not today sweety, I’m busy” and on and on and on.

Really???

Have I really become that person?

Gulp—A grown up?!?!!!

When did wiping off the counter become more important than pretending to be bunnies?????

Please forgive the number of question marks I just used.

It has become so easy for me to flow from one chore to the next—boom boom boom—without taking a moment to slow down and wonder if I have played with the kids enough today.

I get so caught up in phone calls, emails, and daily ‘to-dos’ that I don’t spend enough time simply doing nothing.

You know, I don’t think I have ever felt so frustrated at “how much time I was wasting” doing “nothing” until I became a mother and had ‘so much to do’.

Its almost like I HAVE to multi task, or I don’t feel productive!

(Eating breakfast? Check emails on phone. Making lunch? Better be doing dishes at the same time. Folding laundry? Not without planning out the next days itinerary in your head…)

See the problem?

Is leaving your mind and attention ‘empty’ really the same thing as being unproductive?

Is nursing the baby really such a time suck that I can’t bear to do it without my phone nearby?

And another question, Is playing with your kids really something you can afford to ‘get done’ tomorrow?

I think…

I think I need to change how I think.

Of course the house needs cleaned. Of course there will always be business to do. Of course I can take a few minutes for my own activities.

But,

If your mind is always filled with to-dos, you’ll miss out on all those unexpected thoughts and moments.

If your time is always filled with ceaseless multitasking, you won’t have any empty space for your kids to serendipitously fill.

If your life is so cluttered and frenzied and overwhelmed that you don’t even remember the last time you laughed really hard….

Then you aren’t living very well!

(I’m talking to myself there.)

Why do I fret about ‘missing something on the list!!’ when I am missing something so much more important right under my nose?

Why am I always allowed to say “wait” to my kids when they are not allowed to say it to me?

Is my work really more important than their work?

I’ve heard it said that kids won’t just come tell you about their day, instead they will come ask you to play with them.

I’ve also heard it said that connection is what makes or break a relationship.

They really want to connect with you.

Have you ever yelled at your kids when you were laughing with them?

Have you ever been annoyed at your kids after giving them a hug and a kiss?

Have you ever felt like you had ‘no time to yourself’ while you were building a snowman together?

The answer for me is NO.

Because when you are feeling connection with your child, you suddenly don’t think so much about yourself anymore.

You suddenly become aware that they are persons, with needs, fears, feelings, wants.

You are their need.

You are their fear.

You are their ‘want’.

If you are feeling disconnected, stop. That’s a dangerous place to be. Anger annoyance, selfishness, all the negative emotions come from disconnection.

When you are centered and focused on the love you have for your child, and on the wonderful relationship you have together, you aren’t able to feel irritable.

You can’t laugh and frown at the same time.

At least that’s how it works for me.

Even when it seems like I have so many important things to do, I have to remember that raising my kids is the most important.

So when your child won’t stop bugging and bugging and bugging you, maybe you need to go bug them. 🙂

Get in their space! (As Dr. Laura likes to say. Read her book, it is so insightful.)

Maybe the reason you’re so angry all the time is because you haven’t scheduled in any time to just be happy.

I realize I’m still talking to myself.

Self,

It’s time to stop thinking:

“Why are they so disobedient”

And start thinking

“What is this a symptom of?

It might turn out to be a symptom of loneliness or boredom or some other childhood plague.

Do you remember what it was like to be a child?

Would you ever defy someone who you cherished, who made you feel important and worthy of their time?

Maybe that’s why my kids are willing to ignore my requests. Maybe I need to cherish them more.

I bet the golden rule applies here.

I wonder if those sasses and provocations could be solved with a few minutes of “you time.”

“I have never seen special time fail to strengthen the parent-child relationship, which always helps children want to cooperate more.”

Ahaparenting

“You time.” Yes, that’s what time is for.

~

What do you do to foster connection with your children?

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